Junior Science Refresher

Junior Science Refresher Published this article page no  06  During the course of his celebrated career, Rush Limbaugh invented the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks so as not to offend mothers with young children listening to the show. But no insight was given on where to find the best dittohead adult beverages. That's why I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a political humor book fans of the show will love. Just try out these great recipes: ENVIRONMENTALIST WACKO WHISKEY Glass: Your Own Cupped Hands Ingredients: 1 Part Triple Sec (as long as it wasn’t made in a wicked corporate factory) 2 Parts Whiskey (homemade by Sierra Club members in an earth-friendly distillery) 1 Part Grain Alcohol (flammable liquid used by the Earth Liberation Front to burn SUVs) 1 Frozen Pond (the result of any number of man-made environmental catastrophes) 1 Dolphin (the pinnacle of creation, according to environmentalist wackos) Instructions: First, cut several ice cubes from the surface of a frozen pond (these should be abundant due to the smog effect blocking the sun's rays in preparation for the coming ice age). Avoid using a freezer to produce your ice cubes, because freezers are a capitalist-concocted first cousin of man's worst enemy – the air conditioner. Next, combine ingredients (along with your pond cubes) in your own cupped hands. Don't you dare use a glass instead of your hands, because the process of making glass destroys Mother Earth. Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of environmentalist wackos, a fringe movement (not to be confused with serious and responsible ecology-minded people) that believes mankind is the greatest threat to nature, seeks to destroy private property, and longs to establish a socialist regime to impose their nuttiness on the rest of us. Special Note: For years environmentalist wackos have told us that dolphins are superior to humans – despite the absence of dolphin highways, libraries, or institutions of higher learning. But for all their supposed brilliance, I challenge any environmentalist wacko to find a dolphin that can make an adult beverage as good as this one! EL RUSHBO Glass: A Highball Glass Emblazoned with the EIB Network Logo Ingredients: 1 Part Rum (shares the first two letters of its name with Rush!) 2 Parts Blue Gatorade (consumed while playing a round of golf in honor of Rush) 2 Parts Sprite (in recognition of capitalist lemon-lime soda companies) 1 Prestigious Attila the Hun Chair (symbolic of complete radio industry dominance) Talent on Loan From God (why liberals don’t stand a chance against El Rushbo) Instructions: Utilizing talent on loan from God (assuming that, unlike most liberals, you acknowledge the existence of God), combine ingredients in a highball glass emblazoned with the EIB logo and top off with whipped cream (but please use the whipped cream in this adult beverage recipe the way Rush would use it and not in the manner in which Bill Clinton would use it). Enjoy from the comfortable confines of your own Attila the Hun chair, the undisputed seat of talk-radio industry power. Origin: This dittohead adult beverage is affectionately named in honor of Rush Limbaugh – lover of mankind, protector of motherhood, supporter of fatherhood (in most instances), general all-around good guy, and a man designated by the US Department of Education as a bona fide “weapon of mass instruction.” Special Note: This adult beverage is documented to almost always taste great, 96.712 percent of the time, just as El Rushbo is documented to be almost always right, 97.963 percent of the time Junior Science Refresher buy.

Junior Science Refresher

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Science reporter Published this article page no  44 Todd gulped. “I like it.” “Me, too,” she told him. Just then the waitress returned with the champagne list. Todd looked it over and noted that, as expected, each bottle was marked up about five times over retail. He avoided the cheapest bottle, a California brand with a tenuous French heritage, lest he take some glitter off the festivities, and ordered the second least expensive bottle, which was authentically French and had some credibility toward extravagance. Obviously, California “champagne” has not made as big a dent as California wine in French claims to being superior custodians of the grape. Price: just over a hundred dollars. “We’ll have some Moet Chandon Brut Imperial,” he said. “Very good,” the waitress replied, and off she went to get the valuable bubbly. Todd reached down to hold Lila’s hand, feeling he had, by his unspoken agreement to overpay for the champagne, earned the intimacy. She looked down at the sudden conjunction of flesh, and then, smiling, said, “You know we have a different way of charging back here?” “You do?” Todd asked. “Yes,” she said. “I’m sorry but I have to charge you for holding my hand.” “You do?” he asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s part of our Intimacy Price List. Would you like to see it?” “Naw,” he replied bravely. “You keep track.” Then, looking down at their irresistibly joined hands, he said, “But, tell me, how much am I spending?” “Ten dollars,” she told him. “Is there a time limit?” he asked warily. “No,” she smiled. “Once you pay, you can hold it all night. Holding hands is one of our better values.” “Great,” he said, and, feeling he had copped a bargain, took out ten dollars. She tucked it in her garter. The waitress returned with the champagne and held the label toward him. He smiled, and soon he and Lila were toasting like a voluntarily enchanted couple. “To a great night,” he said. “With you,” she replied, and flicked her tongue at him, as if to intimate the possibility of more than the law allows. He looked at her lovely, long blonde hair and couldn’t resist stroking it lightly. “You’re very pretty,” he said, catching his breath. “Thank you,” she breathed back. “You don’t mind if I bill you for that, do you?” “For what?” the poor soul wanted to know. “Caressing my hair.” “Oh,” he said, and withdrew his hand. “How much is that?” “Only ten dollars science reporter magazine buy.

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